Let Me Be My Own Self
Category: Spirituality
Published on Sunday, 31 March 2013 14:56
Written by Sr. Maria Skolastika P.Karm
This happened a long time ago. The dark sky blankets the tiny village situated at the foot of Mount Slamet, the tallest mountain in the province of Central Java. There we were – a group of friends, with backpacks strapped on our shoulders and armed with a flashlight in our hands – walking in a line, one behind each other, just like a row of fireflies. Without much talking, we trotted through the thorny bushes, pushing ahead into an increasingly darker and suffocating forest; each of us with the sole determination to finally reach the summit of Mount Slamet.
God created humans in His own image and very good He created them (Gen.1.27,31). However, when we look at ourselves as well as those around us, does it seem like we are made in His image? Do we radiate His glory? The glory of God is only fully revealed in us if we really and truly become ourselves in the way we were created to be according to the will of God. More often than not, though, many of us do not show our whole personality and the unique character that God created us to be. Traumatic experiences, masks, and the environments all contribute in influencing humans in such a way that we are afraid to show our true self. Mount Slamet is tall, but as tall as it is, our desire to be courageous in being ourselves remains to be a much taller mountain to scale. And just like the beginning of the journey to the summit of Mount Slamet, the journey to become the image of God is also started with our courage to enter into the darkness.
What is this darkness? Whether we realize it or not, every single person has a dark-side in his/her self. Heart-breaking experiences, traumatic incidences, and terrible affairs in our lives are often left buried deep within the darkest crevice of our hearts. There they remain hidden, forgotten, and claimed as if they never happened. Without our knowledge, these things often come up in our subconscious minds and they manifest their effects negatively through things like sudden onset of depressive feelings, emotions that are out of control, and even worse, they start to influence the way we interact with other people. It is at this moment that we are called to be courageous and to make the decision to enter into the darkness, into the dark-side that has been the shadow of our soul. In silence, let us re-open the dark pages of our lives. Let us ask the Holy Spirit to guide us through this prayer of inner healing, just like the flashlight guided the steps of the hikers as they continued through the darkness. Then, invoke the presence of Jesus and let us ask him to heal us.
After hiking for what felt like hours, we rested in order to regain our strength as we started to grow tired. While sitting atop the dewy grass, we listened to the cacophony of sounds coming from all around us, from the chirps of crickets in between the leaves of the trees to our own growling stomachs. That’s right – only then did we realize how hungry we were! We needed something to fill our hunger. So, with our cold and tired hands, we cooked our all-time favourite meal: instant noodles!
Such is also the case in the prayer of inner healing; after looking back at all the traumatic/terrible events in our lives, let us try to dig deeper to find exactly what it is we needed yet never got at that time. For instance, maybe we are hurt because of our mother’s tyrannical attitude towards us when we were younger. This means there is a need of a mother’s love that has not been fulfilled in our hearts. This step of discovering the very need of our hearts is crucial as in it is the realization of why we act the way we do. In another example, maybe we are often hurt and feel jealous when someone else gets the attention instead of us. Look at the past, maybe we were often accused to be the black sheep of the family when we were small so now our souls are yearning for the attention it never got. In yet another instance, maybe our father passed away when we were young, so now we are left with the desire to find a father figure in our lives. Like an empty stomach that needs to be filled, our thirsting souls also need to be quenched. Actually, we have always been trying to automatically quench our thirsts. However, most of the time it is not done correctly and thus the results are never joyful and peaceful. For example, because her heart longs to have a father figure, a girl easily falls in love with any man who pays attention to her, even if it is for a little bit. Falling in love is normal and it is not wrong; however, this girl falls in love with the picture of a father figure that has been sketched in her heart. This sketch is then projected onto every man she meets who is sympathetic towards her thus making her fall in love with him. Of course this is very hard on her since the feeling may not be mutual. Even when she finally meets a man who also loves her, she may still be disappointed as he is different than the perfect picture of a father figure in her mind. This girl has a hard time in wholly loving a man because she has fallen in love with the shadow of a perfect father in her heart.
By knowing the needs of our souls, we can be more vigilant and attentive in controlling ourselves. Our hurting heart needs to be healed and its thirst needs to be quenched. Therefore, let us offer all the needs of our hearts and souls to Jesus. Let Him flood our hearts with His Love. Only with hearts filled with the Divine Love can we love other people as they are. We will no longer be jealous when other people get the attention since we know that God alone has poured all His attention onto us. The Love of God that we experience in our hearts mends our inner wounds and satisfies our souls so that we can take control of our behaviors and emotions.
After resting and fueling up, we continued our hike. Despite the low temperature that night – the thermometer only showed 5°C! – The steep incline with wide-open canyons on one side of the hiking path plus our increasingly heavy backpacks bathed us with our own sweat and made it a struggle to breath. Finally, at dawn we arrived at the neck of the mountain. We could no longer take the weight of our backpacks on us, so together we took them off, placed them on the ground, and inhaled the fresh air as much as we could. We instantly felt a huge relief and we appreciated the freshness of the mountain air. At that moment, we realized the beautiful view sprawling before us. The sun was peeking from the horizon, its rays coloring the sky orange, the birds were singing their morning songs, white edelweiss flowers were scattered on the green grassy field, and the smell of dewy grass contented our hearts.
Taking off our backpacks? The entirety of our lives on this hike is inside those backpacks: foods, drinks, clothes, gears, and everything else we may need on the hike. However, though, it was only after we took off our backpacks that we felt light and joyful. In our daily lives, are there things that unnecessarily weigh down our steps? Definitely! It is no other than our masks. Are you aware of the thick masks we are wearing every day? By wearing this mask, we feel safe and secure. It almost seems like our lives depend on this mask on our face. But, how long do we want to keep doing this? There will come a time when the mask feels terribly heavy that we will uncontrollably explode from its pressure. After the prayer of inner healing, it is good to pay attention to ourselves in order to unveil the masks that we have been wearing all this time. A person was wounded when he was young because of his parents’ ridiculously high expectation in his school work; he was expected to always be the best and the top of his class. As a result, he has always worn the perfectionist mask. He does not take risks because he is deathly afraid of making mistakes and when he does make mistake, he cannot fairly admit it especially when other people find out about it. Another example is a person who wears the mask of a joker; he is the clown of the group and people love him for his funny personality. In actuality, though, this is merely a mask so that he can get attention and love from other people because he did not feel any of that during his childhood as he was a loner and never had anyone to play with.
These masks make us feel safe and comfortable. This security, though, is only temporary. After a while, we will be tired of wearing them as they start to weigh down on our lives. A middle-age woman who has been living with her in-laws for 21 years came and complained that lately she feels bored with her work and there is no longer livelihood in her life. After digging deeper, we find out this woman is actually tired from wearing the mask for 21 years so that she always looks perfect in the eyes of her in-laws. Consequently, she now has a hard time to fully love them.
Recognize the masks you have been wearing and have the courage to take concrete steps in order to take them off. They prevent others from seeing our true self; we cover up our imperfections and our beauty, our sadness and our joy, our strengths and our weaknesses, as if these masks would say: “Don’t bother me and let me live in my own world!” They prevent the creation of authentic relationship between ourselves and those around us, and even worse, they become an obstacle in building our relationship with God. A woman, very successful in her career, wears the busy mask thus giving no chance for anyone to come close to her. This is because she knows she has a hurtful past that has been hidden in the dark corner of her soul, she carefully protects it with the intention of never exposing it to anyone; she does not want anybody to know this part of her life. Each person who makes the effort to be closer to her has been turned away by her mean attitude and hurtful words. We can see here how ruthless these masks can destroy our relationships with each other. On the other hand, what a beautiful friendship we have when we finally have the courage to take off our masks. We open ourselves as is, letting other people enter and be involved in our lives, and we, too, are free to give our true selves to others. The moment our masks come off is when we can see a whole new world, a more beautiful life, exactly like the posse of hikers who are finally able to enjoy the sing songs of the birds and the soft beauty of the edelweiss flowers as soon as they take off their backpacks.
Thus the hike continues, step by step, one hill after another, and before we realize it, a boundless sea of sand is spread out before us. The summit of Mount Slamet, it seems, is consisted of arid sand dunes with absolutely no signs of life. As well, the last push to the top is much harder than any of the previous ones as the sands slip between our feet and pull us down every time we take a step forward. The sand dust from the feet of our friends hiking in front of us got into our eyes and nose, making it very painful to keep them open and to breathe in. With sheer determination, we continue to hike, fixing our eyes on the finish line at the top of the summit, cheering ourselves and our ready-to-give-up feet to keep going. Imagine how disappointed we were when we reached the “finish” line which turns out to be yet a new starting point of an additional hill. The summit of Mount Slamet, as we learned, is made up of one hill after another, almost like steps that need to be climbed one at a time. And so we were fooled again and again, yet we continued to keep going.
The battle is not finished when the mask is taken off, rather it only just begun. A woman was widowed at a young age and she puts on the masks of courage and independence. She firmly hides her true feelings; not a tear falls from her eyes and her joyfulness seems admirable. Her family is very proud of this attitude she has. Eventually her entire body started hurting, her head, bones, and even her nails are in pain. Doctors do not know how to treat her and are at a loss for a diagnosis. It is only after she has been prayed for inner healing that she cried and poured out her sadness in its entirety. As a result, once this is done, her pains are gone. As it turns out, she suffered from a psychosomatic condition that manifests its symptoms when someone is depressed. When she got home, she wanted to take off her mask and be her true self: she would share her sadness and her burdens with her family. However, her family, who had gotten used to the mask she wore, becomes disappointed in her because she now seems weak and vulnerable. This hurts. It feels like we have been lied to since we were told that taking off our masks will improve our relationship with others, yet why does everything seem to be falling apart? They are not falling apart. Rather, this is the beginning of an authentic relationship. By letting those closest to us see us as we are, we are helping them to put themselves in the right place within their relationship with us. Keep going and do not give up.
After trudging through the endless sea of sand, suddenly I felt pain – my chronic condition is acting up again. What am I suppose to do? I know I have to stop and rest; I also know there is a huge chance for me to never reach the summit because of the terrain that is simply too harsh for my body. But my pride got in the way: how can I not reach the summit while my friends are continuing to hike with all their might? Since we started, we have mentally prepared ourselves to reach the summit no matter what the cost is. Furthermore, I can see the summit now; it should not be very far from where I stand. I forced my feet to move forward, but I fell down and could not get up. At last, with my heavy heart, I decided to sit still and not get up for a while. I understand the strength of my body is not as big as my determination and desire to reach the summit. “Let’s go! Only a little bit left! You can do this!” shouted my friends from the top of the mountain, cheering to keep me going. For them, it makes no sense to stop when the summit is a handful of steps away. However, only I know the exact condition of my body. I was once ordered for a full-month bed-rest because of this condition and I certainly don’t want to repeat that. Because of this, as much as it is illogical to my friends, I decided to keep resting.
Oftentimes we are not ourselves because of the influence of our environment on us. Whether we like it or not, we have been conditioned to appear in a certain way in accordance to the demands of our environments. When I was in junior high, my friend came home crying one day. After her mother asked her what was wrong, she revealed that she had been forced to say, “No way, José!” a trending slang among teenagers at the time, in order to be accepted by her circle of friends. In actuality, she despises the expression and hates hearing it. Even when their hearts are screaming in disagreement, many would rather nod their heads and agree with the excuse of keeping peace in the environment. It is rare to see a person differing in opinions in order to contribute to the diversity; uniformity is the accepted norm. Still, wouldn’t unity and peace be better fostered if we learn to value and accept our differences? We are the product of the environment around us. This is even more magnified when we have been hurt in the past; we are terrified to simply be ourselves. We try as hard as possible to conform to the norms of the environments so we can always be accepted by everyone. This demand will only increase with time. A new person is only valued if he is rich, smart, honored, powerful, attractive, charismatic, and possesses many other positive attributes. Everyone works hard to achieve this, but can richness, power, and beauty guarantee us to show the glory of God in our lives? In reality, the more a person becomes a slave to the world the less God is glorified in his life. This is the time for us to courageously decide to be different from others, to be true to who we really are!
After a little bit of rest, my health returned and my body felt great. Praise God! I quickly got up and continued my hike, catching up with my friends, all of whom have reached the summit. Once at the top, my heart is filled with gratitude and wonder. How great is Thou art! The twin summits of Mounts Sundoro-Sumbing can be seen at a distance while white clouds softly glide around us. The majestic Candradimuka crater opens itself as widely as possible towards the blue sky. Standing amidst the beauty and wonder of God’s creation, we realize how small we really are. The broad horizon, the extensive desert before us, the dancing clouds, the giant crater, how small are humans in the middle of all this! But, all of this is merely the footsteps of God. How much smaller are we when we stand in front of God Himself? Yet why does He, who is so great, love us, who are so small and weak? Only He knows.
If we live as the slaves of the world, with our masks covering ourselves, we will feel strong and powerful. Pride will fill our hearts because of all our achievements and successes. Consequently, when we fail, we will be stressed and disappointed because we feel that we are too good to fail. Open your eyes and see the glory of God around you! He is present in nature, in our friends and families, and in the events of our daily lives; furthermore, He is present and He sees us in the Eucharist and through our prayers. Only before the great God, can we realize our weakness and vulnerability. It is critical to realize this as it will help us to be dependent on God and thus, we no longer need to wear the masks that show our independence and our strength. Realizing how small we are also helps us to know how precious we are in God’s eyes because He gave His only son to die for us, who are weak and helpless. Therefore, there is no longer the need to wear the mask of pride to cover up our low self-esteem because we know how valuable and worthy we are to God. Who cares if the whole world mocks and rejects us? Aren’t we precious in God’s eyes? This is the most important thing!
Once the beauty of nature satiates us, we quickly descended the mountain to go home. The pictures of cold glass of water, delicious home-made snacks, a warm plate of rice, served with a variety of meats and vegetables started to flood our minds as we go down the mountain in haste. Once we reached the bottom, we realized we never took the time to enjoy the view because our minds were focused on the foods and the comforts of our homes!
We have been talking extensively about how our past can influence our lives, how it can make us hide who we really are, and how it can stop us from becoming our whole, unique selves. Yet, not only the past, but the future can also affect us. A senior high-school girl is obsessed with her desire to be a famous actress when she grows up. Consequently, even though she is not yet an actress, she starts to act like one. She chooses to be friends only with the rich and famous and she buys branded and expensive things despite the fact that her parents are struggling to support her. She always envisions her future life as an actress and without knowing it she has gone through her entire high school years without enjoying any of it. Many people live in the future; when they are eating, they think about what they are going to do afterwards. When they are working, they think about what they will be doing when they get home. When they are home, their minds are filled with what they have to do when they come back to the office. I remember when I was in elementary school, I often complained that I wanted to go to school during the holidays, and I wanted the holidays when I have to go to school. All of this thwarts people from enjoying the present moment. Worry and panic fill their lives and blind the eyes of their hearts to the beauty of their lives.
God created each one of us beautifully and how cruel are we if we hide this Godly beauty. Let us beg the Lord to heal us from the hurts of our past, to give us the courage to take off our masks, to give us the strength to live and grow as a free person, free from our environments, our pasts, and our futures. May our whole lives and our whole beings, our body, mind, and soul, be one of praise to the glory of God. Listen to your soul that whispers “Let me be my own self…”
Published on Sunday, 31 March 2013 14:56
Written by Sr. Maria Skolastika P.Karm
This happened a long time ago. The dark sky blankets the tiny village situated at the foot of Mount Slamet, the tallest mountain in the province of Central Java. There we were – a group of friends, with backpacks strapped on our shoulders and armed with a flashlight in our hands – walking in a line, one behind each other, just like a row of fireflies. Without much talking, we trotted through the thorny bushes, pushing ahead into an increasingly darker and suffocating forest; each of us with the sole determination to finally reach the summit of Mount Slamet.
God created humans in His own image and very good He created them (Gen.1.27,31). However, when we look at ourselves as well as those around us, does it seem like we are made in His image? Do we radiate His glory? The glory of God is only fully revealed in us if we really and truly become ourselves in the way we were created to be according to the will of God. More often than not, though, many of us do not show our whole personality and the unique character that God created us to be. Traumatic experiences, masks, and the environments all contribute in influencing humans in such a way that we are afraid to show our true self. Mount Slamet is tall, but as tall as it is, our desire to be courageous in being ourselves remains to be a much taller mountain to scale. And just like the beginning of the journey to the summit of Mount Slamet, the journey to become the image of God is also started with our courage to enter into the darkness.
What is this darkness? Whether we realize it or not, every single person has a dark-side in his/her self. Heart-breaking experiences, traumatic incidences, and terrible affairs in our lives are often left buried deep within the darkest crevice of our hearts. There they remain hidden, forgotten, and claimed as if they never happened. Without our knowledge, these things often come up in our subconscious minds and they manifest their effects negatively through things like sudden onset of depressive feelings, emotions that are out of control, and even worse, they start to influence the way we interact with other people. It is at this moment that we are called to be courageous and to make the decision to enter into the darkness, into the dark-side that has been the shadow of our soul. In silence, let us re-open the dark pages of our lives. Let us ask the Holy Spirit to guide us through this prayer of inner healing, just like the flashlight guided the steps of the hikers as they continued through the darkness. Then, invoke the presence of Jesus and let us ask him to heal us.
After hiking for what felt like hours, we rested in order to regain our strength as we started to grow tired. While sitting atop the dewy grass, we listened to the cacophony of sounds coming from all around us, from the chirps of crickets in between the leaves of the trees to our own growling stomachs. That’s right – only then did we realize how hungry we were! We needed something to fill our hunger. So, with our cold and tired hands, we cooked our all-time favourite meal: instant noodles!
Such is also the case in the prayer of inner healing; after looking back at all the traumatic/terrible events in our lives, let us try to dig deeper to find exactly what it is we needed yet never got at that time. For instance, maybe we are hurt because of our mother’s tyrannical attitude towards us when we were younger. This means there is a need of a mother’s love that has not been fulfilled in our hearts. This step of discovering the very need of our hearts is crucial as in it is the realization of why we act the way we do. In another example, maybe we are often hurt and feel jealous when someone else gets the attention instead of us. Look at the past, maybe we were often accused to be the black sheep of the family when we were small so now our souls are yearning for the attention it never got. In yet another instance, maybe our father passed away when we were young, so now we are left with the desire to find a father figure in our lives. Like an empty stomach that needs to be filled, our thirsting souls also need to be quenched. Actually, we have always been trying to automatically quench our thirsts. However, most of the time it is not done correctly and thus the results are never joyful and peaceful. For example, because her heart longs to have a father figure, a girl easily falls in love with any man who pays attention to her, even if it is for a little bit. Falling in love is normal and it is not wrong; however, this girl falls in love with the picture of a father figure that has been sketched in her heart. This sketch is then projected onto every man she meets who is sympathetic towards her thus making her fall in love with him. Of course this is very hard on her since the feeling may not be mutual. Even when she finally meets a man who also loves her, she may still be disappointed as he is different than the perfect picture of a father figure in her mind. This girl has a hard time in wholly loving a man because she has fallen in love with the shadow of a perfect father in her heart.
By knowing the needs of our souls, we can be more vigilant and attentive in controlling ourselves. Our hurting heart needs to be healed and its thirst needs to be quenched. Therefore, let us offer all the needs of our hearts and souls to Jesus. Let Him flood our hearts with His Love. Only with hearts filled with the Divine Love can we love other people as they are. We will no longer be jealous when other people get the attention since we know that God alone has poured all His attention onto us. The Love of God that we experience in our hearts mends our inner wounds and satisfies our souls so that we can take control of our behaviors and emotions.
After resting and fueling up, we continued our hike. Despite the low temperature that night – the thermometer only showed 5°C! – The steep incline with wide-open canyons on one side of the hiking path plus our increasingly heavy backpacks bathed us with our own sweat and made it a struggle to breath. Finally, at dawn we arrived at the neck of the mountain. We could no longer take the weight of our backpacks on us, so together we took them off, placed them on the ground, and inhaled the fresh air as much as we could. We instantly felt a huge relief and we appreciated the freshness of the mountain air. At that moment, we realized the beautiful view sprawling before us. The sun was peeking from the horizon, its rays coloring the sky orange, the birds were singing their morning songs, white edelweiss flowers were scattered on the green grassy field, and the smell of dewy grass contented our hearts.
Taking off our backpacks? The entirety of our lives on this hike is inside those backpacks: foods, drinks, clothes, gears, and everything else we may need on the hike. However, though, it was only after we took off our backpacks that we felt light and joyful. In our daily lives, are there things that unnecessarily weigh down our steps? Definitely! It is no other than our masks. Are you aware of the thick masks we are wearing every day? By wearing this mask, we feel safe and secure. It almost seems like our lives depend on this mask on our face. But, how long do we want to keep doing this? There will come a time when the mask feels terribly heavy that we will uncontrollably explode from its pressure. After the prayer of inner healing, it is good to pay attention to ourselves in order to unveil the masks that we have been wearing all this time. A person was wounded when he was young because of his parents’ ridiculously high expectation in his school work; he was expected to always be the best and the top of his class. As a result, he has always worn the perfectionist mask. He does not take risks because he is deathly afraid of making mistakes and when he does make mistake, he cannot fairly admit it especially when other people find out about it. Another example is a person who wears the mask of a joker; he is the clown of the group and people love him for his funny personality. In actuality, though, this is merely a mask so that he can get attention and love from other people because he did not feel any of that during his childhood as he was a loner and never had anyone to play with.
These masks make us feel safe and comfortable. This security, though, is only temporary. After a while, we will be tired of wearing them as they start to weigh down on our lives. A middle-age woman who has been living with her in-laws for 21 years came and complained that lately she feels bored with her work and there is no longer livelihood in her life. After digging deeper, we find out this woman is actually tired from wearing the mask for 21 years so that she always looks perfect in the eyes of her in-laws. Consequently, she now has a hard time to fully love them.
Recognize the masks you have been wearing and have the courage to take concrete steps in order to take them off. They prevent others from seeing our true self; we cover up our imperfections and our beauty, our sadness and our joy, our strengths and our weaknesses, as if these masks would say: “Don’t bother me and let me live in my own world!” They prevent the creation of authentic relationship between ourselves and those around us, and even worse, they become an obstacle in building our relationship with God. A woman, very successful in her career, wears the busy mask thus giving no chance for anyone to come close to her. This is because she knows she has a hurtful past that has been hidden in the dark corner of her soul, she carefully protects it with the intention of never exposing it to anyone; she does not want anybody to know this part of her life. Each person who makes the effort to be closer to her has been turned away by her mean attitude and hurtful words. We can see here how ruthless these masks can destroy our relationships with each other. On the other hand, what a beautiful friendship we have when we finally have the courage to take off our masks. We open ourselves as is, letting other people enter and be involved in our lives, and we, too, are free to give our true selves to others. The moment our masks come off is when we can see a whole new world, a more beautiful life, exactly like the posse of hikers who are finally able to enjoy the sing songs of the birds and the soft beauty of the edelweiss flowers as soon as they take off their backpacks.
Thus the hike continues, step by step, one hill after another, and before we realize it, a boundless sea of sand is spread out before us. The summit of Mount Slamet, it seems, is consisted of arid sand dunes with absolutely no signs of life. As well, the last push to the top is much harder than any of the previous ones as the sands slip between our feet and pull us down every time we take a step forward. The sand dust from the feet of our friends hiking in front of us got into our eyes and nose, making it very painful to keep them open and to breathe in. With sheer determination, we continue to hike, fixing our eyes on the finish line at the top of the summit, cheering ourselves and our ready-to-give-up feet to keep going. Imagine how disappointed we were when we reached the “finish” line which turns out to be yet a new starting point of an additional hill. The summit of Mount Slamet, as we learned, is made up of one hill after another, almost like steps that need to be climbed one at a time. And so we were fooled again and again, yet we continued to keep going.
The battle is not finished when the mask is taken off, rather it only just begun. A woman was widowed at a young age and she puts on the masks of courage and independence. She firmly hides her true feelings; not a tear falls from her eyes and her joyfulness seems admirable. Her family is very proud of this attitude she has. Eventually her entire body started hurting, her head, bones, and even her nails are in pain. Doctors do not know how to treat her and are at a loss for a diagnosis. It is only after she has been prayed for inner healing that she cried and poured out her sadness in its entirety. As a result, once this is done, her pains are gone. As it turns out, she suffered from a psychosomatic condition that manifests its symptoms when someone is depressed. When she got home, she wanted to take off her mask and be her true self: she would share her sadness and her burdens with her family. However, her family, who had gotten used to the mask she wore, becomes disappointed in her because she now seems weak and vulnerable. This hurts. It feels like we have been lied to since we were told that taking off our masks will improve our relationship with others, yet why does everything seem to be falling apart? They are not falling apart. Rather, this is the beginning of an authentic relationship. By letting those closest to us see us as we are, we are helping them to put themselves in the right place within their relationship with us. Keep going and do not give up.
After trudging through the endless sea of sand, suddenly I felt pain – my chronic condition is acting up again. What am I suppose to do? I know I have to stop and rest; I also know there is a huge chance for me to never reach the summit because of the terrain that is simply too harsh for my body. But my pride got in the way: how can I not reach the summit while my friends are continuing to hike with all their might? Since we started, we have mentally prepared ourselves to reach the summit no matter what the cost is. Furthermore, I can see the summit now; it should not be very far from where I stand. I forced my feet to move forward, but I fell down and could not get up. At last, with my heavy heart, I decided to sit still and not get up for a while. I understand the strength of my body is not as big as my determination and desire to reach the summit. “Let’s go! Only a little bit left! You can do this!” shouted my friends from the top of the mountain, cheering to keep me going. For them, it makes no sense to stop when the summit is a handful of steps away. However, only I know the exact condition of my body. I was once ordered for a full-month bed-rest because of this condition and I certainly don’t want to repeat that. Because of this, as much as it is illogical to my friends, I decided to keep resting.
Oftentimes we are not ourselves because of the influence of our environment on us. Whether we like it or not, we have been conditioned to appear in a certain way in accordance to the demands of our environments. When I was in junior high, my friend came home crying one day. After her mother asked her what was wrong, she revealed that she had been forced to say, “No way, José!” a trending slang among teenagers at the time, in order to be accepted by her circle of friends. In actuality, she despises the expression and hates hearing it. Even when their hearts are screaming in disagreement, many would rather nod their heads and agree with the excuse of keeping peace in the environment. It is rare to see a person differing in opinions in order to contribute to the diversity; uniformity is the accepted norm. Still, wouldn’t unity and peace be better fostered if we learn to value and accept our differences? We are the product of the environment around us. This is even more magnified when we have been hurt in the past; we are terrified to simply be ourselves. We try as hard as possible to conform to the norms of the environments so we can always be accepted by everyone. This demand will only increase with time. A new person is only valued if he is rich, smart, honored, powerful, attractive, charismatic, and possesses many other positive attributes. Everyone works hard to achieve this, but can richness, power, and beauty guarantee us to show the glory of God in our lives? In reality, the more a person becomes a slave to the world the less God is glorified in his life. This is the time for us to courageously decide to be different from others, to be true to who we really are!
After a little bit of rest, my health returned and my body felt great. Praise God! I quickly got up and continued my hike, catching up with my friends, all of whom have reached the summit. Once at the top, my heart is filled with gratitude and wonder. How great is Thou art! The twin summits of Mounts Sundoro-Sumbing can be seen at a distance while white clouds softly glide around us. The majestic Candradimuka crater opens itself as widely as possible towards the blue sky. Standing amidst the beauty and wonder of God’s creation, we realize how small we really are. The broad horizon, the extensive desert before us, the dancing clouds, the giant crater, how small are humans in the middle of all this! But, all of this is merely the footsteps of God. How much smaller are we when we stand in front of God Himself? Yet why does He, who is so great, love us, who are so small and weak? Only He knows.
If we live as the slaves of the world, with our masks covering ourselves, we will feel strong and powerful. Pride will fill our hearts because of all our achievements and successes. Consequently, when we fail, we will be stressed and disappointed because we feel that we are too good to fail. Open your eyes and see the glory of God around you! He is present in nature, in our friends and families, and in the events of our daily lives; furthermore, He is present and He sees us in the Eucharist and through our prayers. Only before the great God, can we realize our weakness and vulnerability. It is critical to realize this as it will help us to be dependent on God and thus, we no longer need to wear the masks that show our independence and our strength. Realizing how small we are also helps us to know how precious we are in God’s eyes because He gave His only son to die for us, who are weak and helpless. Therefore, there is no longer the need to wear the mask of pride to cover up our low self-esteem because we know how valuable and worthy we are to God. Who cares if the whole world mocks and rejects us? Aren’t we precious in God’s eyes? This is the most important thing!
Once the beauty of nature satiates us, we quickly descended the mountain to go home. The pictures of cold glass of water, delicious home-made snacks, a warm plate of rice, served with a variety of meats and vegetables started to flood our minds as we go down the mountain in haste. Once we reached the bottom, we realized we never took the time to enjoy the view because our minds were focused on the foods and the comforts of our homes!
We have been talking extensively about how our past can influence our lives, how it can make us hide who we really are, and how it can stop us from becoming our whole, unique selves. Yet, not only the past, but the future can also affect us. A senior high-school girl is obsessed with her desire to be a famous actress when she grows up. Consequently, even though she is not yet an actress, she starts to act like one. She chooses to be friends only with the rich and famous and she buys branded and expensive things despite the fact that her parents are struggling to support her. She always envisions her future life as an actress and without knowing it she has gone through her entire high school years without enjoying any of it. Many people live in the future; when they are eating, they think about what they are going to do afterwards. When they are working, they think about what they will be doing when they get home. When they are home, their minds are filled with what they have to do when they come back to the office. I remember when I was in elementary school, I often complained that I wanted to go to school during the holidays, and I wanted the holidays when I have to go to school. All of this thwarts people from enjoying the present moment. Worry and panic fill their lives and blind the eyes of their hearts to the beauty of their lives.
God created each one of us beautifully and how cruel are we if we hide this Godly beauty. Let us beg the Lord to heal us from the hurts of our past, to give us the courage to take off our masks, to give us the strength to live and grow as a free person, free from our environments, our pasts, and our futures. May our whole lives and our whole beings, our body, mind, and soul, be one of praise to the glory of God. Listen to your soul that whispers “Let me be my own self…”